Life is all about relationships. All different kinds of relationships and connections. Sometimes they succeed to different degrees and with much consternation and elbow grease…or not. Other times they fail to varying degrees, with ease and with no fight to make it work.
I’ve seen people do all kinds of things to save a relationship; church counseling, therapy, interventions, you name it. Anything they could, hoping to keep the relationship intact. Some even resort to separation, intending it to be just for a time until they can figure some things out, get some clarity. Temporary separation. By definition it doesn’t sound like fighting, it’s leaving a relationship for a period of time to allow for a cooling off period. Or possibly to reset the relationship, start over fresh after some time apart. Needed time to distance yourself from hurtful actions and interactions. The tricky part about temporary separation is it may end in something more permanent, either a reconciliation or a divorce. It’s definitely a risk. No risk no reward.
That’s where I am with the church in America… we’re separated. I haven’t been to church since July 2019 (at the time I wrote this blog post). I got tired of being triggered and hurt every Sunday. So I made the hard decision to take some time.
Me and the Church – We’re On a Break
I won’t go into all the details but I have been hurt in so many ways by being a part of the church in America, notice I didn’t distinguish between black or white churches, I’d be here all night writing this blogpost trying to recount it. However I can surmise a bit. It will be a huge generalization that is a tad clunky, but still very true on the whole:
The church in America is a westernized version that’s steeped in capitalism, patriarchal white supremacy, and doesn’t remotely resemble anything Middle Eastern and/or biblical.
And again that’s a generalization that includes the whole institution in the USA. Regardless of race, ethnicity, culture, or even nationality.
Does the church exist in this way in other places outside of the United States? Sure it does, because missions are a real thing and it exports this dysfunctional way of doing church far and wide. But for purposes of this blog I will limit my thoughts to what I know about and have experienced first hand. I haven’t attended church for any period of time in another country so I can’t really speak on that.
Also, I’ve attended all kinds of churches: Jamaican revival, non denominational black churches, mega churches, white evangelical churches, reformed leaning Black Church that is a member of the National Center for Family Integrated Churches (think Scott Brown and in the past Doug Phillips/Vision Forum), Reformed Baptist Church that was predominantly white and a part of the ARBCA (Assoc Of Reformed Baptist Churches of America) for awhile, and I can’t even name how many churches I’ve been to in total…but they’ve been Free Will Baptist, COGIC, Pentacostal, Full Gospel, and everything else in between.
…I’ve churched since I was 8 years old and I’ve seen a whole lot. A lot of good and a whole lot of bad. I’ve seen satanic and occult practice, cult like tendencies, overt racism, and classism, prejudice, conscious and unconscious bias… sexism…lots of sexism. Lots of misogynoir which is specific dislike, prejudice, and contempt directed specifically towards Black women and misogynistic practices dislike, prejudice and contempt towards women in general. I’ve seen all forms of abuse and the subsequent covering up and/or dismissal of said abuse.
Counting the Cost – Black Women Problems
However, what I want to share about today which led me to separate from an institution that I do love so much…is what I mentioned earlier. It costs me too much to be a part of the church in America. I feel like I’m standing outside of the gate at the toll booth paying the tariff over and over and still never being granted entry (acceptance).
I shouldn’t have to slough off my blackness, my culture, my way of speaking or dialects, the right to mourn systemic injustices openly and angrily if appropriate. I shouldn’t have to choose between being openly against women not being abused and raped by men. Exercising my leadership gifts shouldn’t be deemed anthema when done alongside my womanhood. I’m not a usurping, man hating, angry black woman by default or if I push back on foolishness. I shouldn’t have to basically become silent and invisible to be considered godly by my brothers and sisters in Christ. My dignity shouldn’t be required for passage into certain Christian circles, nor should I be required to be essentially anti-black to be stamped into the Christian “circle of trust” of the “reasonable Negroes” who “get it” …whatever IT… IS.
I tried y’all. I really did try to squeeze myself into all those labels and tropes because what other Christians thought about how good of a Christian I was, was so important to me. Maybe even more important than what God thinks about me. God was so esoteric and gnostic to me back then, somewhere out there and out of reach to someone as sinful/shameful as I was. Or at least what I thought I was before God helped me understand real grace.
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. 2 Corin 5: 17-19
Biblical grace by definition is the free unmerited favor of God. I experienced so many people peddling a version of grace in churches that was not free. That version of “grace” was attached to works.
So instead I focused on what I thought I could control. Painting this fake and acceptable picture of what I needed to be, to be the perfectly acceptable Christian.
“Oh! Good Christian women serve in ministries? Well let me do that!”
“Ok! Always remain positive, and never talk about the things that may be going wrong in my circumstances. People with faith don’t do that!”
“Right! Respect all leadership. Read: majority men. Even when they are dead wrong do not challenge them, as a woman. That’s not a woman’s place.”
“Engage in all the Christianese speak and spiritualize just about everything. Only agreed upon narratives are accepted regarding politics, marriage, race, purity culture etc.”
“Dim your light and turn that passion down a notch. Godly women aren’t loud, dogmatic about their convictions, or overly concerned with doctrine. Men can handle that minutiae not women.”
Notice I left out the adjective “black” because that wasn’t going to work if I wanted to be accepted as a good Christian. Even in the Black churches I attended that wasn’t acceptable because we are all one race right? All we need is the Gospel and that will solve everything! Basic history doesn’t support this assertion to, “Just preach the Gospel” but go awf folks. Many people did just that and stood by and watched horrible atrocities be propagated against those made in the image of God.
Goo gobs of Black Christians are openly or not so openly required to be anti black in order to be “good Christians.” We can weaponize our blackness to discount the real lived experiences of Black people to build up favor with our white brothers and sisters. This tact will get you very far with white Christians (ask me how I know?) Unfortunately, the minute you disagree with the same white brothers and sisters, or go away from the accepted narrative and/or political party they will turn on you. The only good Black person for a lot of majority culture Christians… is a compliant one. Are we really siblings and/or peers if I’m never allowed to disagree with you, without retaliation? Nope.
As a Black woman I was required to be less threatening and more “feminine” (whatever in the hell that means) because you can’t be a godly woman AND be like the typical black woman. By the way this phenomenon exists even in Black church spaces. Many Black churches are essentially white churches, culturally. So in Black church spaces where I shouldn’t have the same sexist, featurist critiques leveled at my head, I still did.
I was called “General” as a joke because I wasn’t the typical squeaky and/or silent compliant woman that I was expected to be. I was told to not buy a home because men would be intimidated by me and it would keep me single. My hair was criticized because Black men want long straight hair and WHY DID YOU CUT YOUR HAIR/GO NATURAL?! I received dirty looks for talking passionately about anything because my passion was perceived as anger.
I spoke up and answered an apologetics question in Bible study one Sunday. Next thing I know the elder is praying about pride and basically dressing me down in his prayer. You know the rebuke masquerading as a gracious prayer. I guess I was supposed to sit there silent and let the men folk discuss apologetics. IDK
I wasn’t freely accepted and had many stereotypical things about Black women ascribed to me with absolutely no receipts: loud, opinionated, unsubmissive, controlling, bossy, calculating, manipulative, prideful, haughty, pugnacious, argumentative did I say LOUD. Some of these adjectives were probably true about me. It is about the motive or intent, and I was usually not extended the grace of being fully understood. So many times I prayed for curiosity over criticism, it happened sometimes, but not often enough.
Black Men Pay Dearly Too
Black men are used as pawns to show a false diversity in the pews and in leadership. Used to lure unsuspecting Black people to churches. A lot of multiethnic churches are not multicultural too. Meaning: we want your presence sans your culture and/or input. These churches have no desire to hear the opinions of Black people and/or allow them any say in what that church will do typically in THEIR own community. Black culture will never be considered in church decisions or even in daily church life.
Or in the case of Black churches, Black men are made into security goons to “protect the man of God!” This false show of strength, false example of black men leading rarely succeeds in teaching any tangible servant leadership skills. Most egotistical Black bishops and pastors have no intention of training their replacement. In their power grabs is embedded a desire to never be replaced until they die. So careful, careful not to arm anyone with the knowledge to replace the Man of God before he expires or finds a bigger source of power and sheeple money.
Black men who show promising leadership skills and/or a propensity to speak eloquently are elevated quickly in Black churches. Even if they don’t have the proven godly character to match their gifts. And some Black churches have a sick ecclesiology or doctrine of the church that only has room for one supreme leader. A Fuhrer type of leader who doesn’t like anyone around who could eclipse their skill or authority. (Note: the fuhrer type leader can be present in the white church as well). Sadly the well trained and gifted Black male leader in a Black church could very well be held down or run out of the church before they’re allowed to lead.
This is why we see so many church plants and splintered churches, started by disgruntled leaders who grew tired of waiting for a pastor to die in order to be given any leadership authority.
Unfortunately Black men who have toiled and been refined by God, who are ready for leadership rarely find that opportunity in white spaces. Black men are rarely tapped to lead predominantly white churches. Typically when the Black folks show up in a predominantly white church as leadership, the white flight begins. Black men have figured out, to their dismay, they were just the token figurine in the leadership at white churches. More for show than to ever be ever to actually be in charge of anything or have a definitive say about anything. Very few Black men will have influence of any kind…especially not culturally.
White Spaces – The Shenanigans
Worshipping in a white fellowship isn’t too bad as long as I did it in a way that’s acceptable to white people. Admittedly a lot of white people I’ve met in the church are genuine about their faith. I believe that some are genuine about their love for me. But for many white folks, unfortunately, it works for them up to the point of where they aren’t called to be uncomfortable and/or inconvenienced.
In other words, their love for people not like them worked as long as they didn’t have to give up their culture, their dialect, their ways of operating. There is no assimilation on their part, either you assimilate to their way of being/doing church or keep it moving.
I tried to do this for a while. It became too much for me to Code Switch M-F at work and do this in my church community in between. It was exhausting but I was willing because I thought I’d found the final frontier of Christian Orthodoxy and ease in doing/being a part of the church. I hadn’t.
I was exhausted like I said and then after a while my patience began to run out with the ignorance and the stupidity. Ignorance being unwitting microaggressive comments and stupidity being the openly racist/biased people I encountered. Misogyny and the same dog whistles I experienced at work and in the Black Church as a black woman were in the white church waiting for me too.
Sis, do you even want to ever get married? Why aren’t you married, yet? Do you want to have children, you are no spring chicken Sis!? Summary: lots of talk about my marital status and status of my womb.
Oh wow, things like that still happen?! I wouldn’t know because I am color blind!
I only spoke to you like that because you are strong and you can take it.
I didn’t know if you needed my help… (insert unsolicited assistance offered for something I needed zero help with but you know all Black folks need help).
It was too much. I tried to make it work. I was a well mannered, well learned, well spoken reasonable Black person. I engaged fully with all the respectability politics or Black “Uplift Suasion,” (thanks Dr Ibram Kendi). I was convinced if I could just get this right maybe these people will relinquish their racist presuppositions about Black women. Sometimes my passion or what most people simply read as being loud and prideful got me some nasty looks. I truly wanted to make it work but I was so anxious, and felt so unsafe, I left there too. Left on much better terms and left with far more relationships in tact, but I couldn’t stay. Said my piece and I kept it moving.
I Need to Take Some Space – It’s me, It’s you too
I spent the next year and a half looking for something else in various churches of various denominations. I was too hurt and traumatized by all of my past church abuse and hurt to commit anywhere. I couldn’t even attend service without crying afterwards or wanting to cuss out the phony people who would try to develop surface level connections with me. I’m over the “we just looooove you” line of bull that churches feed strangers that they don’t even know. I was not so naive anymore to believe you actually loved me. I was over being muled for my gifts and talents. I was done.
So I started a temporary separation because I can’t even be around a group of church folks without wanting to lose my shit. So I’m taking time. I love God and I love HIS church. I however do not love the American church and what it has done and is doing to people. Especially Black people.
If we consider the definition of family, being a part of a family does not require you to pretend to be someone else. Who wants to be in a church where you can’t unapologetically be your authentic self? All the mask wearing and pretending isn’t what God teaches or intends for His people. We were never meant for this man made brick and mortar institution and its requirements on minds and souls. I never wanted to sign up for play acting as this other person who had changed far more than I’d truly changed. Oh yes God has changed me, is changing me, but these changes didn’t work out well in a church that was more intent on doing things their way instead of His. What is acceptable to the church doesn’t always align as what God would deem acceptable in His perfect grace.
Looking back now I can say that it was more about performing our Americanized version of Christianity than it was about biblical Christianity. And they are not one in the same. The Bible calls us to authenticity, grace, understanding of different cultures and cultural expressions. In Scripture we are exhorted to act like siblings in the faith. In my relationships with my siblings I am free to be imperfect, free to make mistakes without having love removed as a result. Families are imperfect and messy. I don’t see today’s church as accepting the messiness of being human. I have not fully experienced “come as you are” that includes all of me, and not just the acceptable bits.
And no I don’t have any answers or a solution for you. There is no room for oversimplification, lack of nuance and/or trying to silence people while placating/pandering to them. I just know what American Christianity has done to me. I’ve seen how far reaching its abuses can be. How horrible the fallout can be. I’ve prayed and cried out to Jesus for my friends who have been hurt in various ways up to and including sexual assault. Others that I know who have been separated for years. I’ve logged so many therapy hours, paid so much money, dealing with the fallout, and how it magnified other trauma in my life. And I have no answers other than I need to heal. We need to take time to heal or we’ll hurt others.
So that’s what I’m doing.
*special thanks to Joseph Blaney-Jones for helping me edit this piece. (better late than never LOL)
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