“It’s just hair! What is the big deal?!” Seems like a fairly harmless statement, but it is ignorant.
I feel comfortable speaking for the majority of black women on this…it is never JUST hair. Hair is never a simple topic for Black women.
Even the people who should be in the know about Black women and our hair, can be completely oblivious. Hair stylists of all races and Black men I’m referring to you. Knowing about and understanding Black hair should not be a specialized skillset. It should be normalized information across the board. Alas, that is not the case.
Therefore, I feel the need to establish some ground rules with the general public regarding how to engage with Black women about our hair. Notice I said the general public; again the disrespect comes from everyone.
What Not To Do
Do not touch my hair. Full stop.
Do not discuss my grooming practices in a room full of mixed company. I don’t owe anyone a tutorial of how I achieved my look. No guessing games about what a Black women has done to achieve her hairstyle. No, it is not my job to teach you about “ethnic hair.” I don’t owe you an answer about when I washed my hair last. You want to know about black hair…google it. Black women aren’t museum exhibits, setup for your scrutiny and consumption.
Do not ask me if my hair is real or if I’m wearing a wig/weave. That is none of your business. If you can’t tell visually, then move on. Even still show some manners and reserve comments about a Black woman’s appearance unless it is a simple compliment. .
Do not try to use reverse psychology to control or police my appearance. “I love when you wear your hair PINNED UP like that!” “I love when you wear your hair WILD like that!” Trust me on this: we know when a compliment is sincere vs when it is manipulative. Unsolicited advice will always be rude, even in regards to Black folks and our hair.
Do not suggest I wear my hair a certain way based on the situation. “You should straighten your hair for the wedding.” “You should pin your hair up for the leadership conference.” My hair in whatever state I want to wear it in at whatever life event, work event etc. is appropriate. Periodt (with a T). I shouldn’t have to contend with anyone else’s internalized anti-Blackness. That’s a you issue, definitely not a me issue.
Do not assume and/or communicate a Black woman with a similar hair style looks like another Black woman you know. I probably don’t look like her. Note: spending more intimate time in real gut level relationships with Black people will alleviate the “they all look alike” vibes.
Do not imply that my curly hair is unprofessional, wild, untamed, special, not normal, fun etc. For some odd reason folks are under the false impression that we are looking for and/or need the world’s validation about our hair (ok, well I’m not). We have made huge strides in normalizing Type 4 hair. Please play your role in this normalization process by resisting the temptation to position Type 4 hair as “other” in your conversations.
Do not make a big production or announcement when I change my hairstyle. I am allowed to change my hair with no fanfare. No I don’t owe anyone an explanation around the how or why.
Do not start guessing my nationality when I decide to wear a head wrap. A head wrap isn’t a passport to ask inappropriate questions to complete strangers. A head wrap doesn’t make me militant or a potential domestic terrorist threat. It is simply a head wrap.
Do not ask me if I’m “mixed” or what my ancestry is based off of my curl pattern. That is none of your business. Ie, “Are you mixed with something?” No one wants to be exorcized or fetichized behind the appearance of their hair. Let’s normalize all hair types.
Do not make comments to me about “good” or “bad” hair. All hair is good. Ie, “You have good hair. If I had your hair I would wear it naturally too.” Anyone can be natural, no matter the hair type.
Do not get triggered by what a Black Woman is saying and then immediately zero in on insulting her hair to censor her remarks. There are a ton of scenarios that default to being social faux pas, this should be one of them. Resist the urge to engage in ad hominem attacks when someone says/does something you don’t like.
Do not tell a Black Woman her hair is not “done” because she doesn’t present herself to the world in the same way that you would or they way you think she should. How you choose to show up is your business, and how I choose to show up in the world is mine. Stay in your lane, please.
Do not ask black women (strangers) for resources in order to do research about black hair. People can find their own resources for everything else. However, Black women have to be mules to explain Black hair to every ignorant stranger who wants to waltz up and start interrogating us? Nope.
What You Can Do
Please do give black women sincere compliments about their hair or appearance. “You look beautiful.” “I love your hair.” Please just stop at the sincere compliment. No other random nervous commentary necessary.
Please hold your tongue. If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything. Super basic, I know!
Please do build sincere relationships with Black women before you start asking personal questions about our appearance. Guaranteed this will get you the nice neat response you seek.
Please do ask your questions, however, when in doubt ask in private. Don’t hollar across a full room. Don’t hold an entire packed Zoom meeting hostage to your curiosity. If it is too intimate, maybe google it and don’t risk offending. Schedule a 1:1 chat with the Black Woman in question and ask them in private. This is basic respect.
Do take advantage of opportunities to correct ignorant folks even if they think they are complimenting you. If as a Black woman you tend to land on the favorable side of the “good hair” comments, use it as an opportunity to educate. ie. “I suspect you meant that as a compliment however, all hair is good.” Black women tend to be suspect with our support and solidarity in our community at times. This is a good opportunity to change those habits and change the narrative. If someone is insulting other Black women in an attempt to compliment you, call them out on it.
Please do correct people when you hear them making any of the ignorant mistakes I just wrote about above. You are complicit if you standby and watch people act in ignorance towards others.
Lastly, please find accurate resources and educate yourself about Black culture, Black hair, and Black history. That goes for everyone, I am still learning the truth about my history and culture. I am still learning the sad facts about the history of Black women and how we’ve been treated. That history includes the policing of Black hair. Unfortunately a lot of revisionist history is taught in public schools. So do not assume that the little you may know is true. Again, we find time to study all manner of other topics, this is no different. If you’re curious, do this labor yourself, black women don’t owe you any answers. ‘Tis all folks.
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