Hair Beginnings
I’m really not my hair. Yet, it is very important to me.
Hair is positioned as such a foundational thing to a black woman. Some of my earliest memories are of me getting my hair combed. My sisters marveling at my “grade” of hair and saying it was “good.” From a very early age I got the distinct impression that if ones hair is not “good,” then they were not acceptable and/or had no chance of being considered beautiful.
I remember seeing family members and the first thing they commented on was my appearance. A huge part of all of those comments, were focused on my hair:
- Had it gotten longer? Was it longer than so and so’s hair?
- Was it styled in a pretty hairstyle?
- Was it more like my mother’s side of the family (Indian) or like my father’s side of the family (African/Maroon)?
In other words, was it more black or more Indian…(Indian was considered to be “good”)? If you want to talk in terms of hair type…was my hair type 4 hair or type 3 hair? Naturally, Type 3 being considered what was more towards “good hair” and Type 4 being run of the mill “nappy hair.”
Ironically enough my hair is literally a mixture of both. In fact, my hair has 3 different distinct hair types (Type 4a, 3c, and 3b) lol.
I remember my late sister Karen, who always had to comb my hair, wetting the back of my hair and saying, “Why couldn’t your whole head of hair be like this? This is the “good hair!”
That was the part of my hair that is type 3b. That moment was pivotal because it planted a seed in me that would always make me feel torn and indecisive about my hair. Is it beautiful? Or does it make me ugly? Does it make me “regular?”
This ideal of long straight hair was put forth to me as the end all be all.
That lie came from the women in my life. The ones in real life, and most assuredly the ones I saw in media.
My father loved my hair natural. My parents got into a fight when my mother wanted to chemically straighten me and my late sister Roslyn’s hair. He was irate. Clem G (our nickname for my father which he doesn’t know about, shhhh don’t snitch!) was against the colorism he saw in the Caribbean and the obsession with hair type. Lighter is the better skin tone, and darker is what no one wants for their spouse or children. Looser coils are better than tighter coils.
I suspect my father was criticized or teased for having a darker complexion and tight jet black curls on his head (funny enough his other widely known nickname “Baboo,” means “pretty hair in an Indian dialect). He was sensitive to those cultural issues and he never wanted me or my sisters to ever base our beauty on looking more European.
I distinctly remember my father always telling me I was beautiful just the way God made me. I also remember not believing him, because he is my father and of course he feels that way.
It would be many years until I would believe him. Didn’t really sink in until I big chopped in 2010 and no one celebrated harder, or was more elated than Clem G was about seeing my natural curls, again.
Even though I was blessed with a father who “got it” about these issues… I had to go out into a world that was brutal about those same issues.
Note: majority of the women in my life were in mourning over the absence of my thin, damaged, relaxed (chemically straightened) hair being gone. (more on this below)
Hair Shade
Yes, I am free in a sense, but I still have so many scars. (Insert crying emoji)
So many people have been so mean and passive aggressive to me about my hair. Black people can treat me like I am telling shameful family secrets by flaunting my curls.
I get looks of disgust and contempt from people I know and strangers. I have had men tell me they won’t date me because of my hair.
A previous mentor asked me, “You don’t want to get married (I was 30)? Why did you cut off all of your hair?? Men like long straight hair!”
I’ve been to singles functions where a man lamented, “Are all the women here natural?!” Like wearing your curls was a disease we needed to be delivered from. (Then he proceeded to talk to the only woman there with a silk wrap.)
Black men at a previous church would look at my hair and say things like, “My wife can’t do that to her hair, I don’t like it.” I was never really sure why that was pertinent information for me, who was not their wife?
None of these kinds of comments were one time things, they are things that have happened over and over again.
I’ve had women provide unsolicited excuses about how they can’t go natural because they don’t want to look unprofessional and it could compromise their careers. It hurts my feelings every time someone says that to me because they are basically saying I look unprofessional at my job. Ironically enough, my hair has never stopped me from being promoted or put forward for any accolade or presentation.
This whole idea of professionalism may be true in some circles of the working world.The only thing I’ve experienced is having a black female boss suggest I pin my hair back because she was ashamed of her own hair. She kept her hair in a severe bun at all times unless it was straightened. Otherwise the curls need to be hidden, like they are a dirty secret.
All of these scars are so hard. It hurts to have people who look like you in skin tone, reject you because you want to embrace your melanin and your hair. It always amazes me how some folks will be super proud to be a part of the black diaspora, but may be ashamed of wearing kinky/curly hair.
Hair Ignorance
I try so hard not to judge folks who are uncomfortable with their hair. Because I get that side of things too, I was there for many years. It was only by the grace of God that I eventually saw it another way.
Many people, however, are super ignorant about black hair. There are women who don’t know how to take care of their natural hair because they don’t remember a time when their hair wasn’t chemically straightened.
Can you believe that something as commonplace has “shrinkage” has to be explained in detail to people?
This is how it usually unfolds:
Them: “Did you cut your hair? It looks great!”
Me: (confused) “No, I haven’t. I washed my hair yesterday.”
Them: (confused now) “Why is it so much shorter than the last time I saw you? What does washing your hair have to do with it being shorter?”
Me: (slightly irritated now) “Shrinkage.”
Them: (totally lost now) “What is shrinkage?”
Me: (long explanation about shrinkage)
Shrinkage is a complete mystery to most people. It is like kinky hair is a dirty secret that no one wants to see, learn about, or talk about at length.
Dominant culture may or may not want to understand kinky/curly hair. In some cases they are forced to do so through adoption or intimate relationships.
It is true for 20 years of my life I deemed the hair that God gave me as unacceptable and even as something shameful. I legitimately paid people to ruin my hair, while leeching poison into my body through my skin, all to blend in. Only to find out that my acceptance and lack of acceptance by society has zero things to do with how I wear my hair.
My hair being straight didn’t change a thing about my life outcomes. It did not add to my beauty. It did not make me more acceptable to anyone except some other black folks suffering from the same shame and self-hatred, as I did.
Hair Freedom
I am glad to be free of a good portion of that baggage. I do feel freedom every day that I look in the mirror and see my natural hair.
- Every time there is precipitation outside and I don’t have to run, dig up an umbrella/plastic bag, or worry about ruining my hair.
- Water = good thing. GOOD WATER!
- All the time and money that I have reclaimed from not sitting in beauty shops for hours! (RECLAIMING MY TIME!)
- All the estrogenic chemicals I haven’t introduced into my body for years because I use all natural hair products.
Thank you God. I am so glad to be free. I can’t wait to blog more about all the hair tings! Til next time! 🙂
Disclaimer: If you hear me criticizing you (black women) because you do not wear your hair natural, please don’t take my observations personally. They are simply just that, my thoughts and are not directed at you, your momma and them, your cousins, or anyone else you know. I in no way am trying to guilt you into wanting to be natural or make you feel less than because you are not all natural. Do you, Sis! OXOX
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