Panelist 1: “But that’s the issue right? I shouldn’t be spending an infinite amount of time being less of myself because you’re not going to get the best of me the most efficient me. In theory, like don’t go crazy, but be yourself.”

Panelist 2: “I don’t think people really want “yourself!” The way that people act towards my true self I always feel like I need to tone it down. I want to be my true self but at the same time I feel like certain people can’t handle it.”

Panelist 3: “And also because so many people walking around might have the same sentiment. They think people are afraid of who their real self is and no one is walking around being their true self.

I can’t wait for the day when we don’t have to have this discussion.” “

What Had Happened Was” – Can I Just Live? (See the entire video here)

A lot of women, regardless of skin color, can probably identify with the above. I would add, some more so than others.

If you’ve ever been labeled:
Strong willed
Sassy
Outspoken
Loud
Abrasive
High strung
B[redacted]y

…then you totally get the above.

Now that we agree from an external perspective (at least it think we do), what about our internal processes?

• How many of us happily put on the “false self” because you think it is just easier?
• Maybe you do it to make interactions with you more comfortable for others? 
• Is shame and bad guilt about how you’re perceived, an area where you struggle? 
• Do you find who God made you to be less than, and/or your appearance less than ideal? 
• Do you try to pretend to be someone else, and/or be like someone else to cover up contempt of self?

I’ve done all of the above.

I put chemicals in my hair so I wouldn’t be teased about the hair God gave me. I wanted to belong, to blend in and be a part of the “straight long hair congregation of the beautiful people club.”

I’ve code switched like a boss most of my life to get ahead. My accent wasn’t going to cut it anywhere that I went after leaving my predominantly black hometown.

A regular old black person is destined for tokenism. An articulate black person can be a peer not a peon (I’ve found this to be mostly true and sometimes not true just depends.)

In the church I’ve pretended to be joyful when grief was ripping me into a million pieces. To the extent that my mental and physical health suffered, as a result of my hiding.

I’ve rocked my sinless false self on Facebook and from church to church. Better to pretend then have folks withhold grace in the face of my sin. Even if a person was safe, I’ve been shamed too many times in the past to trust unpredictable outcomes. Me with my shame coat (the false self) on was a far safer deal.

I know the Gospel y’all. (1 Cor 15: 1-11)

I’m sure most of the folks I’ve come across in the church do too. But knowing and applying are two totally different things.

Are you walking around swapping out masks for every situation?

I don’t know about you but after many years of doing the above I was so exhausted. Thankfully God sent faithful saints who helped me shrug off some of my shame coats. Lately, I’ve been more comfortable with the masks off, being where God has me sin, warts, and all.

Suffice to say, I’m still working on it though.

Well, I meant, God is still working in me. (Phil 1:6)

The poem below is partly fictional but it takes a raw look at the “shame coat.” How we roll through life’s trauma and circumstances in survival mode when we should be running to Christ, the church, and our brothers and sisters in the Lord. (Gal 6:1-6)

Please read it and prayerfully consider. Oh and also, I’m praying with you too.

COATS

Maybe she’s strong
because she had to be?
That coat fits best.
She thought it protected her
You know…from that one uncle
Who she actually had just met,
Yet he felt welcome to her body

She wanted to be needy,
Be vulnerable and comfortable
Until she had to parent, her parents
The adults became the children
Listen she worked multiple jobs,
Paid all the bills,
Saw folks shot and killed
at the school
All before she was legal
They said bend the tree while it’s young
She didn’t know what
Being young was like?
She’d skipped that phase

But strong, she has that down
The label was failing her though
As her purity ran out of the hourglass
She thought sex acts
We’re an ok replacement
For actual love and support
So she took off her strong coat
Laid it down, and laid on it…with him
He stole her virtue
Well she gave it
Then he rejected her
For…you know, being unvirtuous
Go figure…
He was there too.

Still she’s alone in her shame coat
He came and left her
With a child, her child
Not their child, alone
To slip that other coat on again
Now someone else to be strong for,
Four years she waited
He never married her
Never respected her
Took from her
Defrauded her
Time was gone
Wasn’t coming back
Just like him, time ain’t loyal
Respecter of no one

She sucked it up though
Pushed on to work
To now, be strong for her boss
Always doing something
For somebody, everyone
She really needed, someone
Jaded and desensitized
No longer able to distinguish
Genuine help from users
She drove Uber part time
So she wouldn’t have to ask
For help from people (problem solved)
Moving through life on a float
Wholly self sufficient
Feet never on the ground
Maintaining the elaborate show
Of strength and pulled togetherness
She is actually:
Weak
Hurt
Broken
Put upon
And so very tired, a mess

But she can take it. She’s strong.

She rolled into the church
With her shame coat on
Ahmmm…I mean her strength
The 10th command was stalking her
It appeared everyone had
What she prayed for
Unapologetic and faithful
to remind her that she didn’t
and wouldn’t have it
Cause, you’re strong.
You don’t need, “it.”
Whatever “it” is.
Wasn’t for women “like her.”
Apparently you can’t have both
Strength and the cool church girl
caricature don’t mix.
She was called there by Jesus
Church folk, said no
You’re here to please us!
And in doing so, you please Jesus.
Who knew?
Her Bible didn’t read like that
This thing has extra steps too?

Rules she didn’t know
In the church her strength wasn’t welcome
Her elusive youth was,
perpetual girlhood was acceptable
Christian womanhood however
Was what she was seeking
Adulthood she had…
And was over it.
It was a vicious hamster wheel
The Word however,
spoke of “Good News”
Rest for the weary
Light yokes and such
Grace and mercy
All of those things
She definitely could do
Could even do them,
minus her shame coat.

She wasn’t quite there, yet
God is a willing debtor
with His promises
Crafting converged solutions with His grace
She would stick around for a bit
Waiting patiently, contently for more
Strong and all…in Him.
Not getting what she deserves
And receiving what she never paid for…

By: KCN