I Live In Between
I live not quite in the margins but on the outside usually looking in on all the normal people. You know, the people with the neat pinned up lives? With very tidy doctrine, ideology, confessions, cultures, and ethnicities. The zipped up black people (thanks Chimamanda!). If that’s a thing, I assuredly exist outside of it.
My audience is the people who want a peek inside. Inside of what I’m not entirely sure about right now. And not being sure about that or knowing is ok.
I’m writing to the folks who are weary and wary about the manufactured hospital cleanliness of life.
People who like me may be toying with the thought that there is no longer a need to pretend, in order to belong. No amount of pretending will change our alienness. So why even bother wearing the mask? It’s exhausting.
If conversations where the goal is no confrontation, everyone leaves unchallenged, and the truth is left undisturbed are not for you?
You’ve come to the right blog.
I Am Jamaican American.
Sounds so simple but it is mad complicated. I don’t quite fit in with Black Americans. I don’t quite fit in with Jamaicans.
I date an American, cultural confusion and a lot of explaining. I date a fellow West Indian and much consternation follows because I don’t quite fit that paradigm either.
Always people trying to dictate back to me my culture or heritage.
“You’re not Jamaican, you were born here. You don’t speak “Jamaican” (I need y’all to know once and for all there is no speaking “Jamaican.” There is patois. Google it. Please.)
“You’re not really American. Both of your parents were born and raised in Jamaica. All of your siblings but your twin brother, are Jamaican. That makes you Jamaican.”
I live daily with all the gray areas about my ethnicity and culture. It has always been a burden and a source of deep shame for me.
It took about 7 years of counseling for me to realize that I am Jamaican and American. I don’t have to choose. I don’t have to be ashamed of where I come from, who raised me, or how I was raised.
I Ain’t Strong. I Have Black Woman Problems.
Strong black woman trope be damned.
I am weak. I need Jesus. I need safe spaces to be vulnerable and raw. I need relief from being shamed and from being ashamed.
I enjoy this new place of not having to be strong all the time. Free from the world’s millstone of false presuppositions about who I am, always around my neck. Expectations (my own and others) pulling me down to a very lonely place where I get no assistance, no empathy.
Being a woman of color who is a leader in corporate America takes strength. That strength is a steadfast one that is rooted and grounded in Christ. Not in me not being willing to sell my soul, my integrity, or my dignity to get ahead.
For over 15 years I’ve labored in a sphere where my worldview might as well be an old wives tale. Usually seen as a secret that one doesn’t bring up unless around other proven, unveiled, unapologetic Christians. Us saints willing to stay out of hiding, who will expose ourselves as allies. We share a common strength in weakness, common prayers for grace among much sin and darkness.
And Yes…I Am A Christian.
I am a reformed Christian but not really Reformed. I’m a believer in “reformed-ish” theology, in as much as it is biblical and not simply white washed tradition.
I no longer hold lines simply because that is what a good Christian should do. Ideology based off of politics and revisionist history being the standard and not the Bible.
I do believe the Bible, the one that is totally unAmerican and isn’t based on Western culture.
A leaky cessationist who believes the gifts have ceased. Yet, I also believe God is God and can do whatever in the world He wants to do, however He wants to do it, and choosing to use whomever He wills.
He is God and He can audible whenever He feels the need. (Duet 29:29)
Lastly we may not agree on every secondary or tertiary doctrine. If we agree on the essentials, we are siblings in the faith. Simple as that.
Our Roles Are Not Who We Are
No issues with true biblical roles in marriage/life in general but not for the caricature called “complementarianism.” (I have thoughts, so many thoughts…but they are for another several posts lol)
These days I choose to use the term “Christian womanhood.”
It is a biblical way of being a Christian woman seeking true biblical maturity. It is not assuming I’m a mature Christian because I’ve checked the:
I go to church every Sunday.
I pray.
I read my Bible.
I know big theological words and what they mean.
I know how to regurgitate doctrine by rote.
I married young.
I am a mother.
I’m not a homosexual…
boxes.
As a Christian woman I also believe male headship is a good thing. Only men can be elders in a church. I believe women can be good leaders too, despite not being called to eldership. (I know…feel the cognitive dissonance burn!) We all can be easily deceived, contrary to false teaching you’ve heard.
However, I am not for women idolizing their husbands and being their indentured servants. (And no, I’m not talking about you or your marriage…FOCUS! Everything isn’t about you.) Women giving up their identity and all their dreams for his dreams, not my jam at all. Nah son.
I have value that is not wrapped up in the wife and mother (translation: stay at home mom. No shade. Just facts) seasons of life.
Again, I’m a black woman. The odds that I’d be at home now (in my father’s home), no career, and waiting for a husband to come choose me are slim to none. In my culture, that is not a thing. (See what I did there?) Anyone who has studied history can tell you that is not normative for the average black woman.
Am I single? Yes.
Being single is not “who I am.” My self worth is not nestled in my potential to be someone’s spouse. I am a whole person made in the image of God without any of that.
Relationship and friendship with a man is possible. It isn’t predicated on me being a potential “Bae,” and/or “Wifey.”
I am good, I am important, I am saved …because Jesus said so.
Are You Down? Don’t Be Skerred…
I figured while I’m introducing myself, I may as well put these disclaimers out there:
If I offend along the way, know it isn’t personal.
You have questions? Feel free to ask them. Depending on the question you may or may not get an answer.
I bask in my imperfections and the perfect grace of God. My apologies if that makes me appear duplicitous.
Lastly, I am not saved by the works involved with posting on this blog.
I am a Christian, a sinner saved by grace alone, through faith alone, in Jesus Christ alone.
I am going on a journey with this new blog of mine. You’re welcome to come.
I’m down for the ride, Big sis. 😉
Yay! Fun times!
Rock on. *two snaps*
Thanks, Ms. Lady.
I love you, all of you, and so proud of you using your talents and journey to Glorify God and share with others.
I love you too Sis. I am doing this right now partly because of your prayers and encouragement. Thank you!
I am reformed-ish…. LOVE IT!
I am willing to come along for the ride and the learning and be challenged…(and maybe do a bit of it myself..ROFLOL)
Proud of you !
Hahahaha thanks Deb! I figured you’d get a kick out of that. I think I saw you use that term first? Love you, Sis.
I’m here for this!!!
Cool beans! I hope you continue to enjoy! 🙂
So good, especially as a WASPy woman whose family was born in the US and most likely were “gentlemen farmers” who thought people kidnapped from a far away were their “property”.
I hope a lot of white people, especially women read this beautiful, raw, witty blog. All people can learn a lot from what you have to say and say so well, but especially us who are often very ignorant to the experiences of women of color but truly want to learn and grow in understanding and correct misconceptions.
I’m eagerly looking forward to reading more. Thank you! You are in my prayers.
Wow thank you, Martha. This comment is so encouraging. I appreciate your prayers, I definitely need them. This has been a long time coming. It isn’t easy being honest out in these interweb streets. Folks are quick to assume, judge, and become keyboard assassins.
You’re very welcome and feel free to hit my DMs with any feedback or ideas, as you see fit.
I will. There’s so much I want to understand better though I know I’ll never fully understand what it’s like to be in your and others’ shoes. I really believe we ALL have prejudices, misconceptions, stereotypes we believe and the best way to combat this is admit then have safe people we can learn from and questions of.
Plus, I’m also single she “Reformedish”. Reading this blog makes me wish you lived near me so I could have you over and share with one another, laughing, crying, and maybe asking forgiveness with a big hug as you leave with a promise to get together again…again.
I thought we lived close?
I get what your saying totally. I get so triggered when someone says that to me these days though. I need to blog about why…too long to discuss here. Let’s just say many people has said the same…but they really didn’t want to understand. They may have wanted to hear but did not want to seek understanding. I share these traumatic intimate things only for them to sit there and make excuses for people they don’t even know. Refusing to empathize with the person they know and love that is standing in front of them. Suffice to say vulnerability here no longer comes easy for me…but I dabble here and there. 🙂
This white Reformedish married mom of teenage daughters and carrier of a giant matched set of baggage over it all is so here for this. 🙂
My sista from another mother, but we share the same FATHER!
Thanks for the greetings from WhiteKanda LOL. You crack me up woman! Thank you for the encouragement, you have no idea how much you’ve helped me.
Very good read. I’m definitely looking forward to what you have in store for your blog.
Thanks Phil. We shall see how it goes lol.
Yes! I love it and am here for the ride! All glory be to Jesus! 🙂
Thanks Ana! Welcome aboard!
Dope! Can’t wait to read more!
Thanks for the encouragement sissy. 🙂
About time! Looking forward to hearing your thoughts as you post them. Praying for your successful adventure in blogging.
I know Sis! I’m sorry it took so long. Thank you for the prayers, I need them.
This is great!! I love it!! I am in board with you and I am looking forward to more of your insight !!
Thanks Pat! Appreciate the feedback!
Thank you for your vulnerability, Keiko. I love that the Lord allowed us to cross paths and I get to be on part of this journey of life with you. Grateful for you and your friendship!
You’re welcome!
Awww I’m so grateful for our friendship too. <3
You had me at “leaky cessationist.”
Hahahaha I got that from a good friend of my who goes to a continuist reformed church. I liked it so I stole it lol. Thanks for stopping by!
Great Read! Can’t wait to read more
Thanks Julie! See you soon, Lord willing!
Love it and I am here for it! I will definitely come along for the ride! Great job!
Thanks my friend. 🙂
Just found your blog and I LOVE it. Please please write as often as you can!! I feel so encouraged by this. I felt like I was with you in person over coffee. ❤️ Thank you for sharing this. You’re a queen. ❤️
Thank you, Hannah! I appreciate your encouragement. This is probably the best compliment I’ve ever gotten about my writing because that’s exactly what I want to do. Just share my thoughts like I am just hanging out chatting with folks.
I am really trying to get more consistent about posting. I am toying with the idea of a vlog or podcast to compliment? But I can’t let new ideas rolling around in my head stall me from staying on top of what I’m doing currently lol.
Anyhow thanks for visiting, my dear. You’re the best. <3 <3