The Voice of Reason

Levar and Roslyn were always the voices of reason for me among my friends and family. They both had voices that would just soothe me when I was triggered or riled up.

I didn’t associate either one of them with trauma or fear. They both protected me. They both were fixtures in my safe spaces.

Sometimes I obsess about not being able to remember their voices. The deep tones and colors of the timbre. The way they both stringed words together a certain way.

I never have to worry about losing hers for good.

With me and Roz our voices sounded the same. So much so that no one could tell us apart on the phone.

I woke up bawling this morning. I dreamt about Levar, again. He was talking to me about [redacted].

I sat there weeping wracked with fear, that one day, I won’t remember how Levar’s voice sounds. Levar will just continue to fade away. No refills, no memory refreshers…not just dead but gone gone from my memory.

You Can Run But You Can’t Hide Forever

I shouldn’t have watched that miniseries.

I was triggered when it originally came out. Scrolling through my twitter timeline trying to avoid Khadijah’s commentary, about New Edition.

What made me think I could handle watching it now? Not sure. I clearly was not ready for all the feels.

I heard that first ad lib from JG on “Can You Stand the Rain,” and I knew I was in trouble.

“Boyz II Men” was Roz’s favorite New Edition song. She played it so much I stopped liking the song. Until I watched the miniseries I hadn’t heard the song in years.

It doesn’t seem so overplayed now.

Levar knew the dance routine from “If It Isn’t Love.” Well the truth is all three of us knew it. Lol.

I so enjoyed hearing him sing the song inserting the name “Lee” everywhere they said “love” in the refrain.

“If it isn’t Lee. Why do I feel this way why does she stay on my mind? If it isn’t Lee why does it hurt so bad? Make me feel so said inside?

If it isn’t LEEEE.”

(Insert all three of us dancing, side by side, hopping from right foot to left foot…holding our belt buckles.)

It hurt like hell but I’m glad I watched the miniseries.

I’m tired of being in this limbo of avoiding things that will possibly trigger my grief. Hiding from music, sports, or places that may stir memories.

They were my best friends and here I was swerving like I was trying to avoid a raindrop during a rain shower. I was never going to be successful at hiding. All of the milestones I had with Levar and Keisha are like the frets on the first 32 years of my life. It was a fool’s errand. (Roslyn is her name but we called her Keisha…she’d murder me in my sleep if she knew I was putting this on a public blog)

New Edition

I’ve been thinking about why Brook named the group New Edition. He said they were the next big thing. They would surpass the Jackson Five.

I think that is analogous to where I am with my grief.

My time with Levar and Keisha was great.  I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Good or bad times, I’d keep everything. Box every moment up and lock it in a biometric safe.

However I can’t stay in between. They would want me to move forward. Create new memories.

They would want me to live, not simply to exist.

It has not been easy. I want to retreat back into isolation sometimes. Put my “God is good. I’m not mourning like the pagans do. I have joy in Jesus. I live in the happy place mask.” back on.

You know what I realized?

That mask I was wearing was more for other people, so they could be comfortable with my pain. Not dealing with my suffering wasn’t really doing me any good.

So these days I choose over and over again to keep the mask off.

With Jesus and great friends who are willing to shoulder the discomfort of holding space with me, I feel confident about living authentically.