As a Black person I have lived by a certain set of principles that have colored my life, behavior, and choices since I can remember.

Principles such as (in no particular order):

1. Whatever happens in our house stays in our house. You don’t tell family secrets.

 

2. Close to #1…avoid scandal at all costs. Even if it means lying, murdering a baby, or disowning a family member.

 

3. Our behavior in public must be respectful and perfect. Everyone sees Black people as wild, uncouth, and lacking discipline…don’t prove them right.

 

4. We must look pristine and presentable. People have treated us like and called us animals, don’t look like one. Ladies straighten that hair! Men get that bald fade!

 

5. Black people have to work twice as hard to make it just as far as everyone else.

 

6. Never talk back to any authority. The odds are already stacked against you…a bad attitude can make a bad situation deadly.

 

7. Get used to code switching. Be normal (whatever that looks like for you) around family and friends. Put on the kings English complete with perfect spelling and grammar (for some) and majority cultural ideals everywhere else…or be rejected by societal power centers.

 

8. Don’t get caught in the death grip of being labeled as angry. Dim your light…turn down that passion. To majority culture your passion = anger. And angry = dangerous.

 

9. Be strong. Even when you’re dying inside, health is failing, when anyone else would need help, even when it is to your or your families detriment. Always be strong.

These are just the common principles that I can recall, I am not to saying they span the entire African Diaspora. If you talk to different cultures I’m sure there are many more, specific to those cultural contexts.

Notice that I used the word “we” often. That is because black people as a whole are always lumped in together somehow, and that fact perpetuates the continued adherence and proliferation of this list.

Sounds exhausting doesn’t it? Probably explains why Black folks suffer from so many stress related illnesses. It has been exhausting to live most of my life not being able to bring my whole self to a situation without risking rejection, humiliation, or being ostracized.

It’s Always Been About Power

I was talking to a young friend of mine (she’s 19; Man I’m old!) And we were just shooting the breeze in Facebook messenger talking about books we had read recently. The topic of the ever shifting narrative and list of expectations for Black people came up in the conversation.

I randomly made the comment that it really isn’t all that nuanced or difficult to dissect. This issue of control boils down to power. She was confused by my assessment.

I told her we live in a world that reassures us that we’re free as Black people…but it is a facade. A false freedom. All of the expectations that are dropped on Black people so that we are deemed acceptable by the culture (any culture)…are nonstop. The expectations are relentless and they come from all sides. And more times than not the expectations that matter, are not ones set by US. That is where the power games come in.

We are still being told what to do, how to do it, what to believe, what to think, all of our thoughts have to be externally validated.. And if you notice…if a Black person goes off the reservation their life is scrutinized and turned upside down for their trouble.

Black men are given the death penalty for not obeying a police officer perfectly. Then their lives are scrutinized and vilified after the fact.

Black women passed offer, shuffled around, or moved out of organizations because we fail assimilate to acceptable norms of femininity.

Where did this line come from that is always moving around?

Is there no Gospel for Black people? Where is the grace, and why isn’t it freely extended?

Are we allowed to make mistakes or make bad decisions?

I Own My Part In It

For the most part I have to look at myself for my culpability for buying into this toxic way of living…and allowing myself to exist in system that plays on the fears of my community.

I cringe when I think about how I’ve lived my whole life up until now terrified of running amiss of these rules. Twisting myself in knots trying to control my own press and how others perceive me.  So sure that if I broke any of these rules my Black card would be snatched and I would be ostracized from my family and community. Depending on the rule, I could find myself in jail or broke. God forbid, I’d be unable to earn a decent living because I didn’t give into societal pressures around communication and stripping myself of my culture to make dominant culture comfortable.

Any Black person in their right mind wouldn’t even write this blog, much less post it. Yet, these are my raw thoughts and feelings, I won’t apologize for them.

I no longer have to ascribe to the list of “Laws” above. I reject this part of Black culture and I believe some Black people have no understanding of true grace (or a poor understanding).  I reject those in other minority cultures, and dominant culture who are culpable for continuing to back Black people into these corners for their benefit (or so-called benefit; “everything that is permissible isn’t always beneficial 1Corin 10:23”). 

I don’t have to be perfect. Rather, I no longer have to pretend to be perfect. I can bow out of this constant rat race for power and relevancy. What people will ultimately think about me, or how they will judge me, is out of my control. 

I’m so done, and I’ve been tired for awhile. I am simply not ascribing to the list anymore, in any area of my life.